Glaze's Blog

the one that betrayed me

auntkracker01 — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 19:32:19 +0000

I got my first apartment in my hometown. It was great I was just outside of town but i was still able to walk to town. I was at the point where I wasn’t caring about myself anymore, the care of my kids were off my mind and the only thing on my mind at that time was meeting and making new friends and getting out and into the social world. I was promiscuous and didn’t care even. I wasn’t thinking very smart with the money i got from the military, I blew it on pointless things. Things like drinking and always going out to places for entertainment like movies, pool halls, or even a simple eat n park to bull shit with like all my friends after a movie. It wasn’t until i got bored with that life style and realized it wasn’t for me. And also when some forced themselves in my life. He did everything they could to be noticed by me. And that is when i started thinking of the old saying of ” don’t look for the ones that don’t want to give you the time of day, and don’t really look at all. the one that is right for you will come to you damn near knocking on your door.” So when he was doing everything to be with me and to have a relationship with me i thought it was a sign of my good things to come. i thought that finally someone good was put into my life for a reason. and the relationship had its ups and downs like every other relationship or so i thought. after him and i were together for a year, he purposed some true colors started to show. like obsessiveness and controlling. and when i couldn’t get a grasp on my self and who i was because of how much he was trying to change me. i lost all respect to the relationship. i started talking to some of my old friends that i used for my lustrous fix. but i never did anything with them while him and i were still together or even technically together. because he had me fully wrapped around his finger. i just talk to them to get advise on what he was thinking or doing from another guys perspective. and that sometimes can lead to the “you deserve better than that” speeches. and then i got the give me a chance speeches and it was all too much. so when i got to the point of feeling like i wanted to leave but did not is what got me into trouble anyways because he snapped and put his hands around my neck three times. at that point i had no choice to leave. my best friend and my love life just did the unthinkable and broke all trust i had with my life, heart, and respect. So i called my mom bawling my eyes out and had her bail me out of that situation. surprisingly that was only for a week or so i was at moms. i moved into the apartment we were all planing on moving into, instead of it being three of us sharing it. it was only two of us. and it was not that bad living there i mean. it was nice and spacious and everything. of course i was not living there alone. i had a room-mate that was the brother of the one that betrayed me. and him and i got along well. there was nothing that crossed the line or anything. he looked and still looks to me this day as his little sister because i was at one point going to be part of his family. i was going to be his sister in-law until i got betrayed and had to leave the relationship even though that was extremely hard for me to realize and understand that it was the best for me and for my safety. I then got to a point where i got in touch with someone who i went to school with and took a vacation for three months. and lived in Hawaii. I went to where that friend was stationed while he was in the military. I honestly did not know what to expect when i got there. i just new i needed a change and away from the area because the one that betrayed me was getting back from basic training and i was getting scared because i knew deep down had i not left and gone to Hawaii when i did, i would have fallen right back and put my self in harms away again.

In to Adult hood

auntkracker01 — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 00:31:17 +0000

It was the most frighting thing, to be in a different state and no one you really knew. When you in a state like that, you need to have people that you can trust ones that you can count on when you need it, and believe me I needed it. The only thing at that time I knew how to do was work, and talk on-line to where I could meet people in the area that could help me. Which I got four good guy friends out it and also got badly burned by a fifth one. Two of the four guys I still to this day consider as really good friends, they were probably the only perk of being in that state. One of the two close friends was there for me in ways I didn’t expect. he came over when ever I needed, he even knew when I was sinking in a really down phase and came over and helped me clean my house first and second floor. he was there to be the friend I needed. although with everything I have been through the one thing I found my self longing for I didn’t get because he was being a true gentleman. he never took advantage of me, but he made sure I was smiling I got out of the house. he took me shopping for food and house hold things I needed. even took me to see resident evil when it first came out. And watching that movie in a dark theater I still managed to almost jump in his lap from the skinless dobermans coming out of their cages. He was seriously great to me, and cherished his friend ship, when I left I kept in contact with him found out he was going over seas and wrote too him, prayed for his safety, and he never left my mind.
The other gem in the rough was and is one of my best friends, we think alike even when it comes down to strategies to playing magic the gathering, how we like our women, and how we go about with things that happen to us because “it happens for a reason” whether it be for the good or the bad but there is a reason to god and fates plan for us that you just don’t mess with it. He was there for my main distraction I needed, he was and has been extremely sweet to me, he is the kind of guy that would give me the shirt off his back with out question. When I was trying to figure out where I was going to go and how I was getting there he got it to where his mom and his step dad let me come into their home to figure out how I was getting to my home state and home town to get to my roots and rebuild my life. He took me to places to play pool, to out door parties in the neighbor hood, he introduced me to his friends which was really interesting because I found out that one of his friends and her family are tribal cousins of mine or something like that, I know that we are from the same Indian tribe for sure so who knows who and if are ancestors were related. He’d lend me his phone even just so I could keep in contact with CPS and my public defender of a lawyer to get a game plan of what I wanted to do with my children. which when I did call and talk about them he was right there to comfort me and wipe my tears when I would loose it. The other two where good friends one of them I lost contact with for good reasons, him and I just changed so much that it was just painful just being friends with him. He was great with me when we were both in Connecticut but few years later him and I changed so much that he ended it with me. and decided to end it with me not even a month after being with me go figure. But mister washboard abs now he is still on-line friend, I talk with him every now and then, I taught him how to do his taxes on-line all buy him self. He’s still in the same spot same state and still with the same employer as I met him.

The fifth one burnt me badly, I fell way too soon my separation still being fresh and my kids being freshly ripped from my arms. He was sweet to me but basically living a double life, I was at the point where I was so naive to believe that what he was saying was truthful and sincere. I ended up getting pregnant buy him and I was not going to be able to do it on my own I tried calling him multiple times I even showed up at his door, hunted down his friends and he was no where near to be found. so I aborted the baby. Which was against every fiber of my being but I wasn’t there completely mentally emotionally or stable enough to take care of another child. but when he finally decided to return my calls. I told him and made him feel less then dirt, let him know what he was missing out on. And how less of a man I thought he was.
So when I made it to my home state, but not quiet my home town but still in the same area. I got into drinking and experimenting with pot because I realize how low my life was with out everything I knew. I ended up having a mental break down calling my mom asking her to come visit me so I could talk to her one on one about what was going on with my children. When she did come see me, this would be about the biggest decission an 18 year old would have to make. I asked my mom to adopt my kids to get them out of the system. To get them home, with family. It wasn’t just because of the drinking and the experimenting with pot. but because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to afford it on my own. I knew then what I still know now is that I need a partnership just to be able to afford the basics my kids need. I worked until I got it to where I could move back into my home town. lived off of the military spousal abuse compensation pay for a few years. and I think the rest is going to be another days story.

The_start_of_teenage_years

auntkracker01 — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 16:00:25 +0000

Form being to the point where no one believed me, I began to rebel out against my mother and her wishes for me. I started to look for attention from the wrong type of people in my life. People being older guys that wanted me for my body and what I was willing to give away and not for who I really am. I began to have sexual relationships with guys when I was in the sixth grade. I remember being the only 6th grader dating a senior in high school. I know sad isn’t it? But what my mom doesn’t know is that he probably could have gone to jail if she knew that we were having sex together and not just the innocent dating that she thought. I looked for that attention because that is all I knew, he did care about me and everything but at that point I was too young for the whole committed relationship but I still was a one guy kind of girl. We never fought as far as I can remember. We also just hung out; it wasn’t all about the sex. But when him and I did break up I started dating his one kid that was my age but because he didn’t get what he wanted that he heard I was willing to give up and already did. This fucking low life piece of shit started a rumor about me that still haunts me to this day because people don’t know how to fucking grow up after their school years. That is neither here nor there. So when I got tired of how the kids in my own school were treating me because of that cruel rumor he started I started dating guys that I met at my local skating rink. The one that had the most impact in my life was and is my son’s biological father. That’s right I got pregnant at the age 14 and had my first kid when I was 15. But he wasn’t the best choice for me either. When I was trying to make up my classes for what I missed from being pregnant I didn’t have his support to watch our son while I did my home studies. So here I am trying to do my studies and do all the needs that my new born son needed. With him being born 2 weeks early he was born with jaundice, there were a lot of special needs he needed on top of the normal infant care. Also his father’s attention was more on his stereos and his needs before anything else. Like his sexual needs I remember having a friend over and he forced me to have sex with him while she was in the room. I laid there crying while he was raping me. I had to be in the bath room with him while he showered or bathed. He couldn’t do it by himself. Because I had to be in there to wash his private parts like he was a king of some country. But with growing up with out my father in my life I was so insistent that my son’s father be in his life that I thought letting this continue on was the only way. But little did I know that because I didn’t name his first son, his name sake child, he began to cheat on me while living with me and my mom and her second husband. So when I finally came clean with what was going on I had my mom’s support and she kicked him out of the house, took me to the court house to file for custody and child support. And shortly after we did that, I then started dating who is now my ex husband. Which things with us were good for about 3 years on and off. He had a hard time knowing what he wanted. But he showed extreme interest in becoming apart of not just my life but my son’s life as well. So when my mom and her husband decided to get their own property. I then had to get permission to move to New York with my son from his father. And when we where in the process of doing that, I stayed with my then boyfriends parents house with my son. We got along well living together I had his mom watch my son while I went to school. I also was working and so when I went to work he took me to work and his mom watched my son while I was at work. But when the trailer was all connected to its pipes and everything, I then moved back into the trailer. I did a lot of summer camping with my boyfriend. I got addicted to Excedrin am and pm and some how got pregnant again. So to do the right thing my boyfriend finished high school joined the navy and then we got married. That marriage lasted 6 months. He lied, cheated, and kept my daughter from me. Because I wanted to be a family. I was a fucking fool for going back to him. He constantly accused me of cheating on him, which how could I do that. I would take my son to school and take care of our daughter, work with my son and his speech therapy because he was a late developer when it came to his number of words he had in his vocabulary. I also got a job at a pizza shop because even though he was getting paid for his family to be living off base I still needed to buy the things that the kids and I needed. I didn’t get help from him at all other then the roof over our heads and the bills paid. The rest of it was on me. So my schedule worked out to where I worked when he was home from being on base. Unfortunately the allegations of me cheating on him while I was at work and getting a paycheck proving that is where I was, I was still cheating on him. Go fucking figure right? So the fights got really nasty and the communication was non existent. If I told him what was going on with the kids it went in on ear and out the other. So when something happened to one of them while I was at work, he didn’t remember that I had a doctors visit set up for the following day because I though that my son was coming down with pink and also because he didn’t hear me tell him that my son fell off the toilet when I went to go attend to our daughter because she woke up from her nap. And she was just in the next room from the down stairs bath room. Cps got involved. And ruined my life, because of the mental abuse and how physical the fights got. They took my babies away from me. I then was along. I went to my ex’s co and got him removed from the home and forced to stay on base. The military got a decent case of domestic abuse and destruction of military property that they discharged him with a dishonorable discharge. I was alone in a state with no license no car, one job, my babies in a state home, and no family there to help me. i believe I need to pick this up at another day. The story will continue on.

The_story_continues_on

auntkracker01 — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 15:57:18 +0000

So there comes a time where you have to figure out how to let your mother know what is still happening in your own home. This time I was about 12 years old. It wasn’t that long after the boys moved out the house that this happened to me. At this point in my life with how much anger that my mom’s now going to be second husband was showing towards his own boys for what they did to me I couldn’t feel more confused on if I should trust him or not. It came to where he and I had a common interest in TV shows so when it came down to us watching Star-gate together we would watch it on a different TV so that my mom could watch what she wanted. And one time when we were watching the show he decided that he was going to have his hand crawl in my shorts and cop a feel. I was shocked and stunned and mortified all at the same time, how could I be supposed to use my voice and speak out and tell my mom what is going on. I seriously didn’t know what in the world I was going to do until I got to school and I told the counselor that I was already seeing regularly. He called the CPS and got them involved and well when it came to interviewing the family and me, that bastard had them believing that I was just making this fucking shit up. WHAT THE FUCK do they think they where thinking? After all I have been through why in the world would I make this up, just to get attention they said. Which is fucking bull shit? Complete bull shit that theory is. So at that point in my life I did everything I could to not be home. I even ran away and started staying at what is now my ex-in-laws house. They took me in and let me stay with them for a few months, they believed and understood that I didn’t want to stay at home anymore. That I felt unsafe and as long as I was going to the same school I don’t think my mom really had a problem with it. And the only thing I can sit and wonder is how a person could damage a child so bad that was already having issues trusting the male figures in my life. Let alone have prey as already damaged as I was. He tried his hardest to gain my trust to where I would call him dad every now and then and he did that to me. That son of a Bitch! How could he invade my trust and just shred it like that. At this point in my life I was I was furious with my mother for not seeing what was going on with me, to believe a man over me her own child. What was I to do at that point I couldn’t trust my mother or anyone else in my family because that bastard got people believing that I would lie about anything just to get attention. Fuck that shit. I believe this is good for now. I will continue my story another day.

The_first_look_at_my_life

auntkracker01 — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 15:54:37 +0000

Okay so my life has been a rough one, especially since I only had one parent to turn to my whole life. My father passed away before I was even born. So if I was to sit back and tell you every thing that has happened to me, I would imagine that you would be in an extreme state of shock. Knowing that something like this, could even be plausible in someone’s life. My earliest memories I can remember is when I was like 5 or 6 years old. I remember going down and asking my older step brother who was like 14-16 years old to help me put my stuffed animals on the top of the carpenter’s bed. Which he understood I was too short to achieve that on my own, so he told me he would help me when he finished his room. Which it took too long, his dad came home before he was finished. I tried explaining and so did my brother that it wasn’t finished because I was waiting on help, but that didn’t matter. I had to get punished for not doing my chores. So he took his belt off and proceeded to smack my bare but until it broke, and when that wasn’t good enough he cut a part of a garden hose and proceeded to beat my butt more. And if you are thinking where is my mom at the time, she was sleeping with my baby sister because she was only months old at the time. So even when I wanted help cleaning my room when I did she couldn’t help me because she had to attend to my sister. But after that bastard beat me to where I could not sit down anymore, I didn’t care I ran to my mom and cried to her begging her to leave, I didn’t want to be there anymore. So my mom decided to go with a plan of action that he wouldn’t know where she was going or who she was with. Unfortunately for me she didn’t know what can of worms she was opening up for me. last thought in there mind is that they’d have to teach their child at the age of 6 the rules of the ” birds and bees” speech. I mean especially when it came to the new guys kids, she never thought that a 8 and 10 year old were capable of molesting and raping a innocent 6 year old girl. That is every ones worse nightmare, but because I was already traumatized from one type of father figure in my life those boys knew to use my fear of getting into trouble against me. Those bastards took advantage of that for 5 years, to the point where I started knowing what they were doing to me I didn’t care because I liked the feeling. So here is an 11 year old girl that is already addicted to sex. Eventually my mom caught what was going on and put a stop to it and had both of the boys removed from her home. Everything seem okay for a couple years after they thought I got all the counseling I needed and the help I needed to cope with what happened to me all those years. But she didn’t know what type of a monster the guy that she was living with, sleeping with, trusting to be a father figure to her two little girls. But I think I am going to save this nightmare for another blog.